Wednesday, June 26, 2013

So good I forgot how to speak properly and made up a new word, sort of.

Tonight I went to our local Dairy Queen (DQ) for a milkshake. They opened up this past Spring and I kept meaning to get there, in spite of myself. It's that whole "trying to be healthier, blah blah blah".

So I got a vanilla milkshake because apparently I'm boring (thanks Billy!). And it was so good. So good that I got in the car, happily straw-sipping and said to myself, this is easiliest the best milkshake. Ever.

Easiliest? Is that even a word? Was I suffering from some form of brain-freeze or was I just so taken aback by the cold, yummy goodness that I meshed easily and easiest together to cleverly form a new word?

I told Billy this and of course he just looked at me and shrugged because in his world easiliest is an actual word. Grammatical humor is often lost on him.

Then I decided to look it up and guess what? Easiliest is a word. According to Wiktionary:


  1. (literary, dated) superlative form of easily: most easily

This means that I'm not as clever as I thought. It also means the husband is smarter than we both thought.

Monday, June 17, 2013

I'm not a coke user, I only sound like one

When it's windy outside, my allergies flare up. Not as bad as when I was in NJ and I was a runny nose, watery eyes, sneezing, sniffling bag of misery. Attractive, huh?

So these days I'm reduced to sniffling and occasional sneezing with the occasional exception of a full-on allergic episode because I encountered something that set me off. 

It's an improvement but I still sound like a coke addict. I imagine people giving me that look and thinking, "Oh honey, you need a tissue. Or an intervention."  No, what I really need is for you to not bathe in that god-awful perfume you're wearing that has an outdoor-woodsy scent. Sniffle, sniffle.

Actually maybe some coke would be good to help me lost some weight. You've never seen a heavy cokehead before, have you? All the rockers I listened to when I was younger were skinny back then. These days, they're off the coke and now buying in the 'Big & Tall' section. Emphasis on big.

Now before anyone goes berserk thinking that I'm advocating drug use let me explain that I have only entertained the notion in a sarcastic manner. Besides I have no idea where to get such illegal substances and I certainly don't have the money for it. And even if I did, with my luck I'd get caught and thrown in jail. "But officer, I was only buying it for healthful reasons, to lose some weight because I'm too impatient (and a little lazy) to do it the old-fashioned way."  Somehow, I don't see Metro buying that.

This brings me to another humorous drug-related story.

I was always a nail biter growing up. I would try to let them grow and eventually bit them again. Sometimes I would allow a few to grow, but I'd bite the rest. Sometimes I let a single nail grow; usually the pinky on one hand. I have no explanation for this.

One day while sitting in class, one of the burnouts said to me, "You got a coke spoon."

Me: (confused) A what?

Burnout: Yeah, dude on your hand.

Me: (still confused and feeling stupid while looking at my hands) ???

Burnout: Your finger (laughs and nods toward my left hand)

Me: (no longer confused though still feeling stupid but trying to play it off) Oh yeah.

I had never heard of this before and I certainly never used a long nail for anything like that until then. The things you learn in school.

Please note that I DO NOT advocate illegal drugs in any way, shape or form unless prescribed medicinally and used while under a doctor's care.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Trivial facts and my not so trivial comments

The other day I read somewhere that the average dream lasts only 20 minutes. Naturally I was like, What?! Which prompted me to check out some other random and obscure facts and then post them here for your amusement. Or in case you're ever on Jeopardy or find yourself in the Cash Cab. You're welcome.

Each time you laugh you burn up, on average, 3.5 calories. (If this is true, I should be way skinnier than I am.)

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. (Apparently I'm not average. Go figure.)

The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle. (The red dot on my tittle is called a nipple. Sorry, I couldn't help it. The word just screamed for a dirty comment!)

21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. (I am, sadly,in the 21%. Sorry, Mom!)

The word “samba” means “to rub navels together.”(NJSally samba'd with NJHarry.) (Also, the next time I want sexy time with the husband I'll just say, "Want to samba with me?")

A snail can sleep for 3 years. (I must have been a snail in a past life.)

There are so many other bits of useless trivia out there. And some are quite gross but no-less interesting to read. Like watching a horror movie through your fingers while you cover your face.

PS: Sorry for some of the saucy commentary. Then again, what'd you expect from a smart-ass broad from NJ.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

A bike, a skateboard and a scooter

Earlier this evening as I was out with Little Man, I saw three boys. One was riding a bike, one was riding a scooter and the other was on his skateboard. And immediately I thought of a joke intro.

You know those funny and inappropriate jokes that start off, A rabbi, a priest and a plumber, or A redhead, a brunette and a blond? Yes, those. Make me laugh every darn time.

Anyway, I have no idea why my mind went there. Luck? A gift from the heavens? Result of that horrible fall down a flight of stairs when I was a toddler? Your guess is as good as mine. And the weird thing is they weren't doing anything out of the ordinary. Just going about their young boy lives.

However, the boy on the bike will get to their destination quicker because he just has to pedal while the other two have to lag behind on their skateboard and scooter (which is like a skateboard except with handles). Then again the two bike-less boys can hang behind at their own pace and talk about their pedal-pushing pal behind his back and laugh at him when he inadvertently gets the loopy part of the shoelace from his sneaker caught on a pedal and falls.

And, a joke is born.