Monday, June 17, 2013

I'm not a coke user, I only sound like one

When it's windy outside, my allergies flare up. Not as bad as when I was in NJ and I was a runny nose, watery eyes, sneezing, sniffling bag of misery. Attractive, huh?

So these days I'm reduced to sniffling and occasional sneezing with the occasional exception of a full-on allergic episode because I encountered something that set me off. 

It's an improvement but I still sound like a coke addict. I imagine people giving me that look and thinking, "Oh honey, you need a tissue. Or an intervention."  No, what I really need is for you to not bathe in that god-awful perfume you're wearing that has an outdoor-woodsy scent. Sniffle, sniffle.

Actually maybe some coke would be good to help me lost some weight. You've never seen a heavy cokehead before, have you? All the rockers I listened to when I was younger were skinny back then. These days, they're off the coke and now buying in the 'Big & Tall' section. Emphasis on big.

Now before anyone goes berserk thinking that I'm advocating drug use let me explain that I have only entertained the notion in a sarcastic manner. Besides I have no idea where to get such illegal substances and I certainly don't have the money for it. And even if I did, with my luck I'd get caught and thrown in jail. "But officer, I was only buying it for healthful reasons, to lose some weight because I'm too impatient (and a little lazy) to do it the old-fashioned way."  Somehow, I don't see Metro buying that.

This brings me to another humorous drug-related story.

I was always a nail biter growing up. I would try to let them grow and eventually bit them again. Sometimes I would allow a few to grow, but I'd bite the rest. Sometimes I let a single nail grow; usually the pinky on one hand. I have no explanation for this.

One day while sitting in class, one of the burnouts said to me, "You got a coke spoon."

Me: (confused) A what?

Burnout: Yeah, dude on your hand.

Me: (still confused and feeling stupid while looking at my hands) ???

Burnout: Your finger (laughs and nods toward my left hand)

Me: (no longer confused though still feeling stupid but trying to play it off) Oh yeah.

I had never heard of this before and I certainly never used a long nail for anything like that until then. The things you learn in school.

Please note that I DO NOT advocate illegal drugs in any way, shape or form unless prescribed medicinally and used while under a doctor's care.

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