Monday, May 25, 2015

Feeling the earth move under our feet

Friday we had a small earthquake. So small that many people didn't even know it happened until asked, Did you feel the earthquake? I googled it for confirmation and lo and behold, at 11:47 AM the earth shook in Las Vegas. I thought I felt some rumbling but I chalked it up to hunger. Or a side effect of the previous night's dinner.

Whatever, it's been the talk of the town this weekend. Some people say they felt it. Or they know someone who did. I didn't feel it but my cousin's sister's friend's hair stylist did. Bill was disappointed because he wanted to experience it. I told him that next time he's asleep I'll jump up and down on the bed and that should satisfy his curiosity.

I got to experience an earthquake once when me and my bestie were on vacation in California. I remember we were on the bed watching TV and all of a sudden everything started violently shaking. We were so clueless; we had no idea what was happening. We thought maybe something had hit the building. Then the breaking news came on to announce the quake.

Anyway, you know that scene in the movie Twister, when Bill, Jo and Bill's annoying fiance are in his truck and get side-swiped by two tornadoes, and after the initial fear and panic and tornadoes are gone, Bill and Jo look at each other and laugh and have this mini celebration?

Yeah well, me and my bff were a bit like that except with less hugging but equal excitement. This was many years ago so you can see, I was always a bit weird. Hey, it's not just the little things that make me happy. (Found a dollar in my pocket. Score!) It's the big, scary stuff, too, like living through Mother Nature's wrath. Bill and I love the above part in the movie and swear we would react the same way. And I've always thought there should be a ride modeled after this scene. Universal Studios, I'm lookin' at you.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Friday Funnies

Here are a few jokes I came across while cruising the Interwebz:

A duck walks into a bar with a rabbi on his head.
"What's the deal?" the bartender asks.
The duck says, "It's opposite day."

A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


Some funny bumper stickers:

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.


And lastly, some words of wisdom from my fave comedian, George Carlin:

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

If you ask me a question, be prepared for an unusual reply

I might have mentioned that there has been a lot of construction and new home building going on in my area. Yay for progress! But sometimes the added traffic really blows. However, that's not what this post is about. I have a curious mind. A little twisted but still quite curious and so with all of this building I want to know if any bodies have been unearthed?

I admit at first it seems like a morbid and odd question. But, if you know me, you know that it's not that odd. Allow me to explain my reason for asking. Back in the day when only the Vegas Strip and downtown areas were inhabited, where I live was nothing but desert. And in those days the Mob ran things and probably traveled out here to dispose of their enemies, never thinking that one day people might be living here. I can't be the only one to think of this.

So with that in mind, a contractor could have dug up a body or two. Maybe a torso or a skull. I haven't heard anything yet and I check the news almost daily. Unless someone did find something and they're keeping it hushed up so as not to alarm potential buyers. I don't know why, though. I would consider it a selling point. But that's just me.

My only concern would be that they remove the body before building on it because no one wants to have a Poltergeist situation on their hands. While it might be cool to turn around and find your kitchen chairs stacked on your kitchen table in pyramid formation or to go sliding down the kitchen floor, I draw the line at monster trees and your kid being held captive in some demon dimension.

My mom and I were discussing all the construction going on. She wants to know if they plan to build any new schools to accommodate all the families with kids moving in. Good question. She asked what I thought and I replied with my question about finding any bodies. Then she gave me a look that was a cross between How can I be sure there wasn't a mix-up in the hospital when you were born and Lord, where did I go wrong?  She's never not sorry that she asks these questions. In my defense, she really should know better by now.

Anyway, I decided that the next time Bill and I go check out some newly built houses (Because we're nosy Josies, not that we're looking to move) and the sales rep asks if we have any questions I'm going to reply, Have your contractors found any bodies? It's a valid question. And I'm sure it's one they haven't been asked before. I anticipate a similar look to the one my mother gave me.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Story time featuring gas and poop

Sunday we went to a local festival/carnival. While walking through the vendor's booths we came upon one with children's books. Of course my eyes immediately went to two books that were standing side by side: The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts and Everyone Poops. There's really nothing to say here. I know I have the mind of a juvenile. I even giggled like a middle schooler. Farts and bathroom humor never get old. At least not in my house.

I wanted to take a picture of them but the woman running the booth looked like a cranky school librarian and I didn't want to risk getting a stern talking-to about proper festival behavior so I just walked away. Instead, I found pics of the books online so I could share my amusement with you.

What I wonder though, is, of all the animals why they chose an elephant for the cover of the fart book? I guess it makes more sense than putting one on the cover of the poop book because we all know that elephants poop a lot and then the title would have to be changed to Everyone Poops But Some Poop More Than Others.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Things I probably shouldn't have said out loud

Sometimes I just blurt things out for shock value or just to be a smart ass. Or because in my own mind I think I'm very comical. Following are a few examples of Things I probably shouldn't have said out loud:

When discussing an odd-shaped sculpture:

Me: It looks phallic.
Other person: Um, we're going to fill it with an orchid.
Me: You should fill it with condoms.

When discussing the size of the freezer attached to a large refrigerator at a newly built house:

Husband: Wow, check out how much room is in here.
Me: Yeah, you could totally hide a body in here. Without even having to chop it up first.
The other people looking through the house backed away quietly.

When discussing a new dosage of medication with a nurse at my doctor's office:

Nurse: What seems to be the problem with the medication?
Me: I think the doctor's trying to kill me.
Nurse: Can you hold, please?
Then she transferred me to someone else.

That old saying, Silence is Golden may be wise and truthful. However, it's just not as funny.

Monday, May 4, 2015

My cell phone is an evil little prankster

My cell phone is routinely confused and acts like it's been in the sauce. I'm not kidding. Check it: I have it set up to read the time, date, temperature and weather with the background pic displaying day or evening. Simple, right?

So, why at 3:10 in the afternoon is it showing night time? It's not like I live in some Polar region where night lasts for months. I live in the friggin' desert! Notice that above where it says Las Vegas in the lower right of the square, the sun is showing. Weird.

Liar, it's not really night time.

If I swipe to the second page and then back to this main page a few times it automatically changes from night to day time. Like my phone is trying to say, Ta-da! It's magic!  I suspect my phone is just messing with me like some evil little prankster. Or at the very least this is revenge for all the times I call it Stupid.

Silly phone, you were just pranking me.

Friday, May 1, 2015

I'm not tired, I'm cooling off my brain

I'm yawning but I'm not tired. My brain is hot. No, seriously. When your brain is warm, you yawn. This is so the air you take in orally can go and cool off your brain.

I did not just make this up.

When Bill first told me this after I was yawning one day, I thought he was crazy. I told him so. Then I saw something about this on some such TV show and Whoa! He wasn't kidding. So now every time I yawn I say, "My brain is hot."

I know that yawning is a signal that your brain isn't getting enough oxygen. Sometimes I yawn a lot so I guess my brain is often quite oxygen-deprived, which explains so much.

According to Wikipedia:

There are a number of theories that attempt to explain why animals and people yawn. It is likely that there are a number of triggers for the behavior. However, there are a few theories that attempt to explain the primary evolutionary reason for the yawn....

One study states that yawning occurs when one's blood contains increased amounts of carbon dioxide and therefore becomes in need of the influx of oxygen (or expulsion of carbon dioxide) that a yawn can provide...

 Another notion states that yawning is the body's way of controlling brain temperature....

Now the next time someone accuses you of being tired when you yawn you can simply say, Au Contraire, I'm cooling off my brain. Unless you crawled in at 3:00 am after a wild night out, then you might just really be tired.